Whenever people ask me how am I, I usually say I’m fine or okay. Because generally, I am doing fine. Minimal stress because of no school, just a hard to please sleeping pattern and a very lazy ass to deal with. But if we go beyond that, I already do not know how to explain how am I really doing in life, let alone where to start.
So browsing my Tumblr word I keyed in the word regrets on the search bar, I saw this blog entry from an unnamed girl, with the URL overlyopinionatedgirl, called The Worst Feeling In The World and I quote,
The worst feeling in the world, is giving someone everything you have. And them telling you that’s not enough.
It’s happened to me so many times now it’s starting to feel like a joke…
…so yeah, I’ve seen death. and i’ve seen life.
But i still believe the worst feeling in the world, is giving someone everything you have and still being thrown away like last night’s left overs.
I feel for her because I have experienced the same thing.
Two Christmases ago when my boyfriend of that time broke up with me. It wasn’t a typical break up where the scenario’s someone’s breaking up with somebody. What happened was he just left me hanging. I never received any message from him, let alone any calls. He didn’t fight for me nor with me and what’s worst was he never owned up to his faults. He let me took the fall by myself ,and stupidly I did. Obviously because there was no other better choice but to do so, and I didn’t want any more humiliation or fights. But one thing I made sure about it was to never look back to whatever we had. And by that I mean never to repeat those mistakes I let myself make with him because of him. Fortunately, I was able to keep my word. The next year, I received a message from him in Facebook and he asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I said no, with that hard-to-break attitude. He insisted but I still said no. I’ve learnt my lesson.
But what I hate about that experience is that the memories never fail to haunt me. I don’t remember a single day without anything from that experience flashback into my mind. I guess the price is that too hard to pay because the last time I checked, I still am paying it.
I utterly regret being with him and giving him almost everything I’ve got. I felt and feel such a loser to just give myself to him just like that. I know past experiences bring lessons for us to learn and to consider whenever we make decisions, but I have learned my lesson yet I am still being held back by everything that has happened.
Anyway, I typed in another keyword in my Tumblr’s search bar which is envy. This time, I wasn’t looking for anything that was connected to it. The word just popped up in my mind. So I found this blog entry from a girl named Antonella. Her blog is called blindfoldfortheblind and she wrote this post titled Envy, such an ugly word people avoid it, yet we all get it. I cal also relate to this girl. It was like I was reading a post straight from my mind. So from her post I quote,
Isnomnia has led me to travel around my thoughts and travel around the worlds of others (well that i see anyway, it may not be real). See, when i look at other people’s world and life, it just everything seems so easy, so glamorous, so amazing. But when I see my life, i just see an endless tunnel and though there might be a very dim light, is way too far away. Is life really EASY, and i’m just an exception to this statement?
… I want to get to that point in my life, where i just see others’ lifes and worlds, and I could say, “HAH! MY LIFE IS JUST COMPLETELY AMAZING”, but like I said that light at the end of the tunnel is pretty far.
I guess I have always lived a life with a lot of envy. I always envied girls my age who got more than they could ask for because in my life sometimes I couldn’t even ask for what I want because I know firsthand that all I’m gonna get is a no. I wasn’t able to appreciate everything I have, as well as the people that surround me. But we all have that lacking feeling, that hunger for more things in life. And I admit having them all.
I wasn’t lucky to have a great childhood, nor a very happy family. That is why I dream to achieve a lot more than people would expect of me. I dream of buying that house, that car, that yacht. I dream of getting here and there. I dream of these medals, trophies and plaques. I want to be a somebody with a name, somebody great.
I think of myself as a person with a lot of potential and some people do too <or is it just because that is how I seemed to be like?> So I think there’s a great chance of me getting there. Yet I doubt myself if I really could, or am I just going to get stuck here with my hopes and dreams.
So what if I don’t get there? Would that be fine with me? Maybe. I think so. I’m not so sure. Because I am still unsure of my future. I am still unsure of what is going to happen with my life. I mean, I was once sure. Until I got this dreadful news of migration. All my hopes and dreams vanished. I spent a year or so building that dream, making them concrete, and then all I get is a phone call saying you’re moving here in America. I was like ‘Damn!” Maybe a lot of people would think I am crazy for thinking that I am not so blessed by moving to America. It is a great country, I know that. But my point is, they should have never made me dream my dreams if they’re going to break them all anyway. =____=
Whew! *too much ranting*
One last post from another person in Tumblr. This time I typed in the word doubts because I am a doubtful person. At first I thought “Mehhh, no one’s able to read my thoughts tonight.” Until I saw this one post called I Doubt Myself Too Much from a guy named Jap Ipanag whose blog’s titled Quirky Notions From Thy Pancakes or TheSupahJab, as his URL would put it. Though his post was very pessimist for my taste, I still can relate to some of the things he has said. I quote,
…I hide a lot of feelings. I eat them and never let them out. I’m a treasure chest of deep secrets that I am taking to my grave. I never told and won’t prolly tell anyone about these, because I don’t deserve their time. I’m a nobody…
…I can’t be a toughie ‘cause I cry easily…
…This is how it’s all gonna be, all my life, I’ve accepted it. But, I want to change everything. I don’t know how, I just don’t know, I really don’t know.
Oooh, first few sentences were so me. If I hate someone, get upset about something a loved one did to me, or whatsoever, I just keep them all to myself. I wait until everybody’s asleep then cry the whole night like a baby with the music on. I don’t think the music’s from drama’s sake, it’s just that I believe your emotions would pour out easily if it’s going to be triggered so. Anyway, I am a person that gets happy and upset quickly. I don’t know why, I guess that’s just how I am. And I am afraid that if I show too much of my emotions, especially if they’re too personal, I am going to be judged unfairly. Nobody wants to be misjudged. I did, and still do, things that I am not proud of. Some things that I couldn’t tell anyone <not even my closest of friends> because: a) they’re going to get mad at me, b) they will probably change their mind about me. And I guess nobody wants that to happen in their lives. I will probably be keeping every single thing about me to myself if I don’t want to suffer the consequences. I’m just 17 and I’ve already had enough of consequences.
But just like him, I want to change my life so badly. It’s just that I don’t know how. =___=
That’s it. Whoever stumbled on this post and took time to actually read this very random ranting, thank you so much.