This Too Shall Pass

Hey guys. It’s me again, Jess, now in California. Holla!

That is basically how I was like last Friday night (Manila time) before we headed to the immigration of Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Well of course, I wasn’t as pretty as this baby girl, and I will never be, but I was literally crying my heart out. That moment right there was just too heartbreaking. John and I hugged our family for the last time that night and bid farewell. The airport was flooded with tears, pieces of broken hearts, and hopes and promises of coming back…  I basically did not want to let go of my sister when I hugged her but I knew I had to. I knew I had to be the bigger person so it was me who told my brother that we should go and get inside.

The flight, in general, was fine. The temperature ran from really warm, to warm, to cold, to really cold, to really really really cold, and it really did bother me. But meeeeep, whatevs. The flight was 12-hours long and it got my abdomen hurt as if I was having my period. Perhaps because I wasn’t able to go to the lavatory as often as I wanted to because the older man sitting n our row by the aisle slept for a long time! Good thing Philippine Airlines was packed with loads of good music, movies and more, hence I was able to contain my boredom.

Ever since I got here, everything seems to be like…temporary and painful. Not painful but temporary (because that, I think, is easier) and not painfully temporary (because I absolutely don’t know how could that be relevant to my current state of emotion).

Temporary and painful because I have realized, although I have always known, that nothing lasts forever. Yes, it is a universal fact, but you’re never going to realize it unless someone points it out to you, or worse, when you go through that certain process yourself. And I have been there before when I was too young to ever feel so many emotions. My father passed away when I was 6 years old, and I only cried at his wake once, when all the people were gone and I was the only one left sitting on the first pew, staring at his casket. I know I told him a lot of stuff that night while I was crying, but it took a long while (we’re probably talking about years here, ladies and gents) before I felt the hardship of not having a father figure in your life. But in this case, I figured, not even those people who are still living on this planet can be with you forever, or at least however long you want them to be with you. It’s not just Death who ends your relationships. They can always come and go into your life during the times you least expect them to, even if it wasn’t your decision, even if it wasn’t theirs. Sometimes, Fate likes to play the game as well.

I guess the last months I had back in Manila were not spent to its full potential. It  was not maximized but I don’t blame no one. We were all probably just hopeful that the move wasn’t going to happen, or if it would, it wouldn’t bring so much pain to everybody else. We probably underestimated Fate.

So basically, I’ve been living here for four days and the experience has already been challenging, to say the least. And no, darling. I am not going to stay here for a week, because I am going to have to live here for more than that before I could go back to the Philippines. Say, 2 years. In 2 years, with all work done and still some more in process, we can probably go back to Manila for a vacation. Or who knows? If we’re all set and ready, we could even stay there for a bit longer. But for now, the best thing I can do is wait. Wait for the right moment, and the right time. Wait until I stop counting the days that I am spending here and actually start living for today and tomorrow, since that is basically what I am NOT doing.

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30th of 30

The last day of the countdown has come, and my heart is still wishing for some magic to happen. Which is weird. See, I checked out the countdown on my blog and I saw the number 4. In my mind I was like, “my blog seems to tell me otherwise. Oh well, at least there’s someTHING out there who doesn’t want me to go just yet.”

I seriously thought it said 4 days.

Then I realized, I put the wrong time on the countdown widget. So I decided to edit it and here’s the updated screencap of it:

Now I have 15 hours left until 5pm here, the time we’re going to the airport.

I feel so stupid about that 4 hours thing. Haha!

So this is it. The final hours of my life here and it’s just sad. Everyone here feels sad, I can see that. Even my dog is unusually quiet. She doesn’t even want to be near me. Marco has been unusually silent too. He rarely talks to us anymore. I don’t know. Maybe it’s their way of coping up since we’re going to have to be away from them for a long time. And I don’t blame them. I, myself, don’t want to go. I’d rather be here with them. For always.

But of course, some decisions don’t always have to come from us. Sometimes, some people have to make them for you because they see something brighter on the other end for you.

My readers all know my feelings about the move, so I won’t bore you guys with that.

Anyway, we had a farewell party last Wednesday. It was basically the first time I’ve almost reached the point of drunkenness. And it was bad. Also, I had a lot of friends (although some really disappointed me…) who came and spent time with me on my last (?) party here in Manila and they all made me so happy! But… When we took pictures, I forgot that the memory card’s not inserted! So the pictures were definitely saved in the internal memory of the camera and I don’t have a USB cable for it. Great job.

Then after a few hours, all these rashes started to come out and my whole body felt so itchy! It was mad, so I took one celestamine. The itching went away but the red rashes remained until the following day.

Yesterday, Mark brought John, Marco, and I to this eatery that was located beside our old home. They sell rice congee and pork and tofu (rice congee’s best partner), and they have the best recipe in town. 😀 Well I honestly requested that one. Because the last time I ate there was…say 10 or 11 years ago. With my Dad. So I wanted to create another memory in that place, this time with my boys. 🙂 And the experience was really good! I have definitely forgotten how great tasting their congee and their special mix of soy sauce, vinegar and other stuff. In my head I was like, “I should have asked them to bring me here long ago!”

After that, we went home and started packing. Panic packing was really hard and heart breaking. I was clueless because I didn’t know which ones to bring and which ones to leave! I wanted to bring all my clothes, and all my bags, and all my perfumes, but since we have a limit, I can’t. So I turned my blind eye on and left most of my perfumes, most of my clothes, AND 3/4 OF MY BAG COLLECTION.

They were all like, “You can always buy another this, another that in the States!”. But guys, I collected those things for years and most of them really have sentimental value.

*sob…sob*

But of course, nothing is more heart breaking than having to leave the life you love for the life that’s waiting for you on the other side of the world. I just hope that things will get better and that we’ll get through all the pain this distance will bring us.

Right now, all I have to focus on is how could I grow up a bit more faster. John needs a person bigger than him that he could look up to. And if that bigger person can’t be me, I don’t know who else he could turn to. He’s my responsibility now and I am not sure if I am ready to let this new chapter of our lives materialize already.

26 of 30

Monday comes like a loaded gun and I’m trying to escape… ♪♫

-Michelle Branch, Getaway

Me and my family went out of the city last Monday to accomplish 3 things: (1) visit our dad’s grave, (2) check out our other house in the province, and (3) visit Tagaytay City and pray. ♥ And Tagaytay was the perfect breather!

All of these photos were taken with a Nikon digital camera. The person who took them doesn’t feel like a photographer. She just wanted to take pictures. Damn it.

I never enjoyed Tagaytay City as much as I did before; I was at my happiest! I guess the happiness that you feel is a million times greater whenever you’re with the people you love the most. For the first time, I didn’t care about how I looked in the pictures (because I always do), about how loud we were, about how crazy and weird we all were… All I knew was I was with the greatest people I could ever have in my life…the people I don’t, and will never, regret having: my family. I would like to believe that God let us spend that day without any hassle so we could enjoy our last trip together at that place to the maximum. Thank you Father! It definitely meant so much to us. ♥

Anyway, today we went to an eat-all-you-can restaurant called Yakimix at the Mall of Asia in Pasay City and we pigged out. Literally. They serve Japanese, Cantonese and Korean food and almost everything tasted amazing! The smokeless griller gave that sexy char taste and I loved it! No pictures though.I was too busy eating, sorry! 😀

Tomorrow, I am looking forward to see my brother play his music for the last time (at least for me) at an event at Sofitel. If I think I look pretty enough for my blog, I shall post pictures of me. Til then, good night and good morning. 🙂

24 of 30

It’s crazy. 6 days to go before the flight.*loooooong siiiiiigh*

So minutes ago, my plan was to write about something else here. But then my friend Allen and I started chatting and we talked about my nearing departure. He’s actually a Filipino-American from New Jersey who’s studying here, so he basically know the ropes. He gave me a little pep talk and I printscreen-ed some of them. Some words/phrases/sentences are in Filipino though.

And the dude wanna go to California.

He said his other friend will go back home to the USA. Us leaving “hurts” him. So I told him I can bring him to Cali (he must fit himself in my suitcase first) but he has to go to New Jersey on his own. He was like “If we’re really going to do that, I’m not going back home to Jersey and I’ll stay forever in Cali!”

Whatever. He’s a freak and I love freaks that’s why we’re friends.