Hey guys. It’s me again, Jess, now in California. Holla!
That is basically how I was like last Friday night (Manila time) before we headed to the immigration of Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Well of course, I wasn’t as pretty as this baby girl, and I will never be, but I was literally crying my heart out. That moment right there was just too heartbreaking. John and I hugged our family for the last time that night and bid farewell. The airport was flooded with tears, pieces of broken hearts, and hopes and promises of coming back… I basically did not want to let go of my sister when I hugged her but I knew I had to. I knew I had to be the bigger person so it was me who told my brother that we should go and get inside.
The flight, in general, was fine. The temperature ran from really warm, to warm, to cold, to really cold, to really really really cold, and it really did bother me. But meeeeep, whatevs. The flight was 12-hours long and it got my abdomen hurt as if I was having my period. Perhaps because I wasn’t able to go to the lavatory as often as I wanted to because the older man sitting n our row by the aisle slept for a long time! Good thing Philippine Airlines was packed with loads of good music, movies and more, hence I was able to contain my boredom.
Ever since I got here, everything seems to be like…temporary and painful. Not painful but temporary (because that, I think, is easier) and not painfully temporary (because I absolutely don’t know how could that be relevant to my current state of emotion).
Temporary and painful because I have realized, although I have always known, that nothing lasts forever. Yes, it is a universal fact, but you’re never going to realize it unless someone points it out to you, or worse, when you go through that certain process yourself. And I have been there before when I was too young to ever feel so many emotions. My father passed away when I was 6 years old, and I only cried at his wake once, when all the people were gone and I was the only one left sitting on the first pew, staring at his casket. I know I told him a lot of stuff that night while I was crying, but it took a long while (we’re probably talking about years here, ladies and gents) before I felt the hardship of not having a father figure in your life. But in this case, I figured, not even those people who are still living on this planet can be with you forever, or at least however long you want them to be with you. It’s not just Death who ends your relationships. They can always come and go into your life during the times you least expect them to, even if it wasn’t your decision, even if it wasn’t theirs. Sometimes, Fate likes to play the game as well.
I guess the last months I had back in Manila were not spent to its full potential. It was not maximized but I don’t blame no one. We were all probably just hopeful that the move wasn’t going to happen, or if it would, it wouldn’t bring so much pain to everybody else. We probably underestimated Fate.
So basically, I’ve been living here for four days and the experience has already been challenging, to say the least. And no, darling. I am not going to stay here for a week, because I am going to have to live here for more than that before I could go back to the Philippines. Say, 2 years. In 2 years, with all work done and still some more in process, we can probably go back to Manila for a vacation. Or who knows? If we’re all set and ready, we could even stay there for a bit longer. But for now, the best thing I can do is wait. Wait for the right moment, and the right time. Wait until I stop counting the days that I am spending here and actually start living for today and tomorrow, since that is basically what I am NOT doing.